Cry-Counter.D.60.S.Y.D. Acceptance

... I just cried again last night *sigh*


But I've accepted everything... That I'll never see you play the drums again... mess with me again and then apologize. 


That you'll never hold my hand again and that I can make you smile or even laugh again... I also can't hit you on the head for not telling me everything!


But most of all I've accepted that life has all these hurts in store along with all the joys... and that I will never understand why but at least I get to know what.

Cry-Counter.D.29.S.Y.D.The Eve of the Month

 The night before it's a month. I watched another movie, Valentine's Day. It was alright, just too many things that makes me want to really work with the youth and the media. Redeeming the arts & media for God.


On my drive home, I remembered that Alicia Keys' song that they played on Grey's Anatomy, Wait Til You See My Smile, made me think about you. As if the constant, soundless scenes of your life playing in my head is not enough. Then this morning, when I woke up I realized I miss you so much. 


I started wailing. I asked God, why do you have to die? Why do you have to be the King Uzziah of my life. I know that God is Sovereign, that He has greater plans but I want to understand. Why? 


Why do I need to feel? Why does it still hurt? Why does loving someone hurts? Why do the some of them that we love either leave or die? 


When I got of the car I remembered another friend, who is feeling hurt to find out the girl he likes is in a relationship. I asked another question, why do you give me opportunities to minister to men like these? 


There's two reasons I know why I still cry; first, I just miss you and wish I know why you had to have passed on so young. Second, I wish to comfort your mom, your family. I pray that I'll have the right words to say that I can be of any help.


Oh guess, where I'll be on 'Valentine's Day'... You guess it right, at the cemetery to see them. I wonder how long is this grieving process going to be. I thought I'm done crying over your passing.


Despite all these questions and the hurt... I'm pushed to live through it. Life goes on even after a life happened.

Cry-Counter.D.23.S.Y.D. Facebook Reminders

As the days go Facebook ensures you are not forgotten... Pastor Rey Corpuz has this as his status: 

shares the grief of a friend named Ken who has just lost his wonderful and loving mom after a long but unsuccessful battle with the big C. you may complete this sentence: when a loved one passes on...

And here's my reply, I was able to hold on to the tears while typing it :)

it's so unusual that life still goes on yet there's that voice you wish you can still hear, that hand you wish you can still hold... 

hugs and nice words from other friends almost never suffice...sighing will replace your crying and then logic escapes you... 

good thing the Holy Spirit reminds you of God's love not only for the one that has passed but for the one that is bereaved... comfort and grace abounds... and even a deeper understanding to cherish the loved ones who are still around.

Cry-counter.D.20.S.Y.D.: Early in the Morning

I woke up early as Bono sang from my phone: "It's a beautiful day!!!"


I turned off the alarm and switched my ipod back on. I don't have Beautiful Day synched on it so I decided to listen to Jason Mraz instead.


'You and I' was the first track and I just started sobbing. I miss you.


I've been seriously missing you for the past week but today it just hurts. How I wished that I don't feel.


Then I remembered your mom, no matter how much I want to comfort her it will never be enough. You're not coming back ever - in this physical realm.


Iris asked why was I still crying. "Like, like... You must've loved him." 


Then I remember the thought I had while watching 'The Blind Side:' Could you love a man that's gone? 


For certain, as my friend, I loved you. But I told you I didn't make that decision, the last time we talked on the phone, do you remember that? And after I told you for whom the drum beats, I waited. I guess you waited too. I then trained my heart to stop.


Early in the morning a picture of a grazed knee is what I see. My cry-counter resets. 

Cry-counter.D.18.S.Y.D: Say

I just got back from Verona's tribute for you at The Edge Radio.


When I got there, it's strangely familiar. I've seen Owie in church a lot and have been a fan of Joyce & Ron Titular from their NU107 days. I waited for them to give me instructions as to how I will 'volunteer' as Jonathan put it. 


To my surprise, they said they'll ask me too on air about my fondest memories of you. 


Oh yay! I've been blogging too much I didn't know what to say. I pretty much blabbed, there was no cohesion in my thoughts but today wasn't about me. It was really sweet of the Titulars and the Edge Radio to celebrate your life cause you were really a ROCKSTAR! 


.......


Being in the radio station, as I waited for Verona to go on air, I'm beginning to realize that I have accepted your passing. That I'm no longer waiting for the punch-line cause you know I was. I get snapshots of your face and I can even imagine your voice saying the things the band was sharing but my heart knows they're all just memories that will be kept. I guess that's why I've not cried for 3 days now. 


............


It was time for them to play... The first song was Say by John Mayer. It wasn't one of your favorites but Edz is just reminded of you with this verse: 


Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .



For me, the song 'Say' has been my anthem for my own funeral since I attended a funeral service two years ago, I wrote that when I die or when somebody dies that I should have said everything I needed to say and then some.


I'm thankful you gave me that opportunity to say EVERYTHING. All the sorry's and thank you's.


I just felt bad that you took your time quite a while that I heard some of the things you should've told me from the band, your friends and your mom. But again I can only go back to one explanation: God is Sovereign. He knows the plans He had for you, He has for me. 

Cry-counter.D.17.S.Y.D.:Down The Street, Another Funeral

Today, on my way to work there's another funeral service happening in the chapel down the street. I had no choice but to walk in the middle of that 'chaos.'As I walked down the street I almost cried... It reminded me again that you're really gone. 


To top it, I was sending a text message to your mom regarding your favorite person in the Bible - David. 
She was in my dream, crying after a dinner and as my dream pans out... It revealed another funeral. I think it's more of a memory than signs of things to come. Remember that time I had another dream about you and your dad?


This morning I asked your mom how the rest of the family is doing. She told me everyone is working again. She also said that she can't help but feel that sadness. The question: why did this happen to you when you were a Christ-follower?


I told her, I do that too... I told her it's okay to ask God. I told her that I also question God and that sometimes even quarrel with you. We both know God can handle our frustration, anger and hurt. In the end, I just realize even more that God is good. 


I suggested that if she can find time, to read on the works of David in Psalms. She appreciates everything that I'm still doing for you and the rest of your family. I told her it is my pleasure... It truly is. I told her that in a short period of time the drummer taught the teacher. 


You taught me so much and at times I wish you're still alive but I also know I got to let you go. Accept the truth and go on with my life. 

Cry-counter.D.5.S.Y.D.: TheDayB-4URBurial

The day before your burial, I woke up to the reality that I cannot stop time.


That there is no reset button. That tomorrow things will be FINAL. That tomorrow I will not be in your wake. That after tomorrow life will go back to it's 'normalcy' 


The day before your burial, I didn't want to move on... I wanted to go back to the Friday before that Monday, to go back to the Tuesday before that... Just go back and tell you I'm smiling so you should smile too. 


I know we finished what we had to finish and I'm grateful for that opportunity. Thank you for saying goodbye. You knew I will have regrets... That was your last word to me: ....Sayang.


The day before your burial, I cried every 15 minutes in the morning and I even said: I want you back!


But we both know, I gotta suck it up... I gotta be the responsible person working on what the band needed for tomorrow. And that night, we gathered in your wake for the last time.


I finally had the guts to do my eulogy, I told them YOU were awesome! YOUR LIFE MATTERED.


I wished heard all those stories they said... I could've TOLD YOU, your life mattered!


The day before your burial, I know that GOD's  promise for you was fulfilled. I was reminded again that our God IS SOVEREIGN.

Cry-Counter.D.15.S.Y.D.

Title explained: D.15.S.Y.D. (D-day, 15 since your death on 11th January 2010)

I cried again... On my drive home, I just felt the pain again and I started sobbing like a little girl.

Today, going online makes it hard not to think of you especially since Facebook suggests that I 'Say Hello' or 'Reconnect with you' on your wall. It's just sad and annoying too.




I really miss you. Yesterday, I thought if you were alive, I would not think about you as much. Instead I'll let you be with your 'mourning phase' and then when you're done we'll celebrate. Hang out, maybe go out for pizza or something but that will never happen.


I know the band wants to hangout with me. I remind them of you, makes it easier for them not to think that you're really gone. But I couldn't be with them they remind me you're really gone. That we'll never sit down together on the stairs of ENLI waiting... You will never ask for my hand again.


I really don't know why it hurts so much... I was the one who change my mind. 

Why The Cry-counter?

I was supposed to be driving this guy I met at church to the airport this afternoon but due to communication line issues he went ahead by 15 minutes.


It wasn't so bad cause I get to surf the net for free at the mall beside his hotel. I stayed at one of the coffee shops for a couple of hours then decided to check out one of the bookstores. I did not plan on buying any books except probably if they have Lost and Found by Ed Stetzer. 


When I got in the Religion section C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed caught my eye. I know it's a book that is based on his journal he made when his wife H. passed away. After reading the Foreword and Introduction, it inspired me to start writing this journal online about my ride on the grieving-process train.


I decided to call it the 'Cry-counter' cause I don't cry a lot except when watching super sad movies and worship time in church. But when Adrian died on the 11th of January I have been crying in private a lot and only a couple of times in public. I'm not being tough it's just how I am. When my maternal grandmother passed away, there was so much crying but when I felt my eyes welling up I run to our car - I was only seven.


The reason for "former porcupine" begs for a separate post. I'll collect my thoughts and then write about it.




This blog cannot be compared to the writing of Jack but is just my way to process all that is happening in my heart and head. I hope you get to learn from both my life and Adrian's life.






MC