I woke up early as Bono sang from my phone: "It's a beautiful day!!!"
I turned off the alarm and switched my ipod back on. I don't have Beautiful Day synched on it so I decided to listen to Jason Mraz instead.
'You and I' was the first track and I just started sobbing. I miss you.
I've been seriously missing you for the past week but today it just hurts. How I wished that I don't feel.
Then I remembered your mom, no matter how much I want to comfort her it will never be enough. You're not coming back ever - in this physical realm.
Iris asked why was I still crying. "Like, like... You must've loved him."
Then I remember the thought I had while watching 'The Blind Side:' Could you love a man that's gone?
For certain, as my friend, I loved you. But I told you I didn't make that decision, the last time we talked on the phone, do you remember that? And after I told you for whom the drum beats, I waited. I guess you waited too. I then trained my heart to stop.
Early in the morning a picture of a grazed knee is what I see. My cry-counter resets.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Cry-counter.D.18.S.Y.D: Say
I just got back from Verona's tribute for you at The Edge Radio.
When I got there, it's strangely familiar. I've seen Owie in church a lot and have been a fan of Joyce & Ron Titular from their NU107 days. I waited for them to give me instructions as to how I will 'volunteer' as Jonathan put it.
To my surprise, they said they'll ask me too on air about my fondest memories of you.
Oh yay! I've been blogging too much I didn't know what to say. I pretty much blabbed, there was no cohesion in my thoughts but today wasn't about me. It was really sweet of the Titulars and the Edge Radio to celebrate your life cause you were really a ROCKSTAR!
.......
Being in the radio station, as I waited for Verona to go on air, I'm beginning to realize that I have accepted your passing. That I'm no longer waiting for the punch-line cause you know I was. I get snapshots of your face and I can even imagine your voice saying the things the band was sharing but my heart knows they're all just memories that will be kept. I guess that's why I've not cried for 3 days now.
............
It was time for them to play... The first song was Say by John Mayer. It wasn't one of your favorites but Edz is just reminded of you with this verse:
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
For me, the song 'Say' has been my anthem for my own funeral since I attended a funeral service two years ago, I wrote that when I die or when somebody dies that I should have said everything I needed to say and then some.
I'm thankful you gave me that opportunity to say EVERYTHING. All the sorry's and thank you's.
I just felt bad that you took your time quite a while that I heard some of the things you should've told me from the band, your friends and your mom. But again I can only go back to one explanation: God is Sovereign. He knows the plans He had for you, He has for me.
When I got there, it's strangely familiar. I've seen Owie in church a lot and have been a fan of Joyce & Ron Titular from their NU107 days. I waited for them to give me instructions as to how I will 'volunteer' as Jonathan put it.
To my surprise, they said they'll ask me too on air about my fondest memories of you.
Oh yay! I've been blogging too much I didn't know what to say. I pretty much blabbed, there was no cohesion in my thoughts but today wasn't about me. It was really sweet of the Titulars and the Edge Radio to celebrate your life cause you were really a ROCKSTAR!
.......
Being in the radio station, as I waited for Verona to go on air, I'm beginning to realize that I have accepted your passing. That I'm no longer waiting for the punch-line cause you know I was. I get snapshots of your face and I can even imagine your voice saying the things the band was sharing but my heart knows they're all just memories that will be kept. I guess that's why I've not cried for 3 days now.
............
It was time for them to play... The first song was Say by John Mayer. It wasn't one of your favorites but Edz is just reminded of you with this verse:
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
For me, the song 'Say' has been my anthem for my own funeral since I attended a funeral service two years ago, I wrote that when I die or when somebody dies that I should have said everything I needed to say and then some.
I'm thankful you gave me that opportunity to say EVERYTHING. All the sorry's and thank you's.
I just felt bad that you took your time quite a while that I heard some of the things you should've told me from the band, your friends and your mom. But again I can only go back to one explanation: God is Sovereign. He knows the plans He had for you, He has for me.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Cry-counter.D.17.S.Y.D.:Down The Street, Another Funeral
Today, on my way to work there's another funeral service happening in the chapel down the street. I had no choice but to walk in the middle of that 'chaos.'As I walked down the street I almost cried... It reminded me again that you're really gone.
To top it, I was sending a text message to your mom regarding your favorite person in the Bible - David.
She was in my dream, crying after a dinner and as my dream pans out... It revealed another funeral. I think it's more of a memory than signs of things to come. Remember that time I had another dream about you and your dad?
This morning I asked your mom how the rest of the family is doing. She told me everyone is working again. She also said that she can't help but feel that sadness. The question: why did this happen to you when you were a Christ-follower?
I told her, I do that too... I told her it's okay to ask God. I told her that I also question God and that sometimes even quarrel with you. We both know God can handle our frustration, anger and hurt. In the end, I just realize even more that God is good.
I suggested that if she can find time, to read on the works of David in Psalms. She appreciates everything that I'm still doing for you and the rest of your family. I told her it is my pleasure... It truly is. I told her that in a short period of time the drummer taught the teacher.
You taught me so much and at times I wish you're still alive but I also know I got to let you go. Accept the truth and go on with my life.
To top it, I was sending a text message to your mom regarding your favorite person in the Bible - David.
She was in my dream, crying after a dinner and as my dream pans out... It revealed another funeral. I think it's more of a memory than signs of things to come. Remember that time I had another dream about you and your dad?
This morning I asked your mom how the rest of the family is doing. She told me everyone is working again. She also said that she can't help but feel that sadness. The question: why did this happen to you when you were a Christ-follower?
I told her, I do that too... I told her it's okay to ask God. I told her that I also question God and that sometimes even quarrel with you. We both know God can handle our frustration, anger and hurt. In the end, I just realize even more that God is good.
I suggested that if she can find time, to read on the works of David in Psalms. She appreciates everything that I'm still doing for you and the rest of your family. I told her it is my pleasure... It truly is. I told her that in a short period of time the drummer taught the teacher.
You taught me so much and at times I wish you're still alive but I also know I got to let you go. Accept the truth and go on with my life.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Cry-counter.D.5.S.Y.D.: TheDayB-4URBurial
The day before your burial, I woke up to the reality that I cannot stop time.
That there is
The day before your burial, I didn't want to move on... I wanted to go back to the Friday before that Monday, to go back to the Tuesday before that... Just go back and tell you I'm smiling so you should smile too.
I know we finished what we had to finish and I'm grateful for that opportunity. Thank you for saying goodbye. You knew I will have regrets... That was your last word to me: ....Sayang.
The day before your burial, I cried every 15 minutes in the morning and I even said: I want you back!
But we both know, I gotta suck it up... I gotta be the responsible person working on what the band needed for tomorrow. And that night, we gathered in your wake for the last time.
I finally had the guts to do my eulogy, I told them YOU were awesome! YOUR LIFE MATTERED.
I wished heard all those stories they said... I could've TOLD YOU, your life mattered!
The day before your burial, I know that GOD's promise for you was fulfilled. I was reminded again that our God IS SOVEREIGN.
Cry-Counter.D.15.S.Y.D.
Title explained: D.15.S.Y.D. (D-day, 15 since your death on 11th January 2010)
I cried again... On my drive home, I just felt the pain again and I started sobbing like a little girl.
Today, going online makes it hard not to think of you especially since Facebook suggests that I 'Say Hello' or 'Reconnect with you' on your wall. It's just sad and annoying too.
I really miss you. Yesterday, I thought if you were alive, I would not think about you as much. Instead I'll let you be with your 'mourning phase' and then when you're done we'll celebrate. Hang out, maybe go out for pizza or something but that will never happen.
I know the band wants to hangout with me. I remind them of you, makes it easier for them not to think that you're really gone. But I couldn't be with them they remind me you're really gone. That we'll never sit down together on the stairs of ENLI waiting... You will never ask for my hand again.
I really don't know why it hurts so much... I was the one who change my mind.
I cried again... On my drive home, I just felt the pain again and I started sobbing like a little girl.
I really miss you. Yesterday, I thought if you were alive, I would not think about you as much. Instead I'll let you be with your 'mourning phase' and then when you're done we'll celebrate. Hang out, maybe go out for pizza or something but that will never happen.
I know the band wants to hangout with me. I remind them of you, makes it easier for them not to think that you're really gone. But I couldn't be with them they remind me you're really gone. That we'll never sit down together on the stairs of ENLI waiting... You will never ask for my hand again.
I really don't know why it hurts so much... I was the one who change my mind.
Why The Cry-counter?
I was supposed to be driving this guy I met at church to the airport this afternoon but due to communication line issues he went ahead by 15 minutes.
It wasn't so bad cause I get to surf the net for free at the mall beside his hotel. I stayed at one of the coffee shops for a couple of hours then decided to check out one of the bookstores. I did not plan on buying any books except probably if they have Lost and Found by Ed Stetzer.
When I got in the Religion section C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed caught my eye. I know it's a book that is based on his journal he made when his wife H. passed away. After reading the Foreword and Introduction, it inspired me to start writing this journal online about my ride on the grieving-process train.
I decided to call it the 'Cry-counter' cause I don't cry a lot except when watching super sad movies and worship time in church. But when Adrian died on the 11th of January I have been crying in private a lot and only a couple of times in public. I'm not being tough it's just how I am. When my maternal grandmother passed away, there was so much crying but when I felt my eyes welling up I run to our car - I was only seven.
The reason for "former porcupine" begs for a separate post. I'll collect my thoughts and then write about it.
This blog cannot be compared to the writing of Jack but is just my way to process all that is happening in my heart and head. I hope you get to learn from both my life and Adrian's life.
MC
It wasn't so bad cause I get to surf the net for free at the mall beside his hotel. I stayed at one of the coffee shops for a couple of hours then decided to check out one of the bookstores. I did not plan on buying any books except probably if they have Lost and Found by Ed Stetzer.
When I got in the Religion section C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed caught my eye. I know it's a book that is based on his journal he made when his wife H. passed away. After reading the Foreword and Introduction, it inspired me to start writing this journal online about my ride on the grieving-process train.
I decided to call it the 'Cry-counter' cause I don't cry a lot except when watching super sad movies and worship time in church. But when Adrian died on the 11th of January I have been crying in private a lot and only a couple of times in public. I'm not being tough it's just how I am. When my maternal grandmother passed away, there was so much crying but when I felt my eyes welling up I run to our car - I was only seven.
The reason for "former porcupine" begs for a separate post. I'll collect my thoughts and then write about it.
This blog cannot be compared to the writing of Jack but is just my way to process all that is happening in my heart and head. I hope you get to learn from both my life and Adrian's life.
MC
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